Letters To A Broken Soul

I guess I've just had a lot on my mind as far as my counseling too... I really don't know how I am supposed to feel anymore, I feel like I should really be moving on but a small part of me desires closure and I know I will not be getting that anytime soon. I wrote my grandpa a letter and I sent him a package. I was fairly blunt in the letter, and the hardest part was sealing it and dropping it off at the post office once I did that I couldn't get it back. I felt terribly alone while I wrote my letter, I saved a copy of it so I guess I'll post it on here mainly as healing for myself.

Dear Grandpa,

I intended to begin this letter with I hope you're doing well, but I know this is not the case, but know that I pray for you on a regular basis. I've debated a long time whether or not if I have the strength to write you a letter since the last time I actually saw you was when grandma died. I wanted to tell you what she said to me before she died, you laughed in my face and slammed the door shut. I remember that laugh it always scared me as a little girl I knew when I heard it bad things were going to happen to me and I would be sworn to secrecy. I still remember you making me "big girl promise" I would never tell a soul or you would hurt my family too. I was terrified you would hurt my brother or my mom or dad and I would lose them and be alone forever. I thought it was what a "good girl" would do.

Did you think for a second that I would grow up to be who I am today? Guess what, I told your secret and I'm not afraid for my family anymore. Now I am afraid for you because as much as I hate what you did I still love you Grandpa and I don't want you to suffer eternally as it is plain as day that you are suffering now. I said this to Grandma too, I laid next to her on her hospital bed and I held her hand and I told her I loved her and that I forgave her. She cried with me and all she could say was I'm sorry, and suddenly the pain and fear I had endured for years with you melted away. She asked for forgiveness from Jesus less than an hour before she died Grandpa. She also asked me to share that with you. I tried to when I was 17 and here I am today sharing it with you because I love you Grandpa regardless of the past and I want you to have peace. I know you know what you did, please know I hate the actions and I hated the perpetual fear and always wondering what was going to happen next but I love you, I can't not love you. Nobody deserves to be alone in this world.

God forgives the most wicked destitute sinners with out blinking an eye and I apologize because I didn't forgive you for a long time. I didn't care what was going to happen to you , now I see you and you have nothing and I'm truly sorry for you. I at least have hope and a future. You can have hope too, I wanted you to know that Grandma is in Heaven now and when your time comes I want you to be there too I put a Bible in here because I want you to know Gods love for you too I also highlighted some verses there's one Isiah 61:3 Beauty for ashes... that's what I've been given. I also put the bear in here because it's the one I gave to Grandma in the hospital she loved it she named him Here After. Now I want you to have him he brought her comfort when she needed it most. I bought the large print for you too please read it. I'm going to come visit you soon I need a little more time for that though, but I will come see you soon I promise.

I really do love you Grandpa, please know and never doubt that.

Love Always,

Heidi